Why am I doing this?

Dear all,
I am writing this a few hours after I did my own thumb amputation. A few months ago i cutted off already my 4 other fingers... It hurted a lot, and still knowing about all the pain I went on doing the thumb. I used local lydocaine to do the amputation, and I am so affraid from the pain that I just keep my hand in 'sleep'. Every few hours i inject xylo/lydocaine. I guess I will do this for a few more days.
I can't describe the feeling I have now; I try.... It is an excited feeling, a feeling that says me that I made myself in a way more disabled.
I like to be disabled, that's for sure. I am missing already a leg, all my toes, and right now 5 fingers.  I don't know when this will stop,... if it stops. My big dream is becoming a legless man. Wheeling the whole day arround, ... i am getting excited now from the idee that there will be devotee or even wannabe girls looking at me.
I don't regret I did this today. Honnestly!
I know I will have regret, just like I had before; but the only regret is comming from the pain. In a period of pain it's maybe normal you regret self-amputation. It's not the pain you want, but the amputation, being disabled, being otherways then everyone else. Soon after the pain will be away i know i will enjoy what I did to myself.
It's strange... knowing you did what not everyone is doing. But for me it gives a special feeling of being complete in my own way...in my own world...
It is the fault of the medical world I did this to myself. If we (wannabes) had a real possibility like transsexual people has, then we never would do things like this to ourself.
How many transgendered people did something with their own body, only to show doctors they need help... A lot of them cutted out balls- bleeded to dead.
I don't want to die, I just want to be what I want to be.
When I discovered this site a long time ago I was happy to discover that I am not alone. I know I am not alone. I know that if people reading this a lot of you will find me nuts, crazy, even a big idiot, but... be happy youre not the wannabe, that you don't have those maybe strange feelings that not everyone have. I never asked it to be a wannabe. I just am who I am.
From statistics I read that 1 on 30.000 people on this world would love to have an own amputation. I am indeed one of them, and I did already a lot of dangerous things to have what I wanted to have always. I don't judge people, or I would not say to you as a wannabe: 'go for it, cut it off now and by yourself'.
If youre in a real need, go for it, but know that it hurt a lot. Certenly the first days after self-amputation. If youre not in a need and prefer to wait on real medical help, from a real surgeon who wants to help you.... I know there are such a kind of surgeons, only I had not the possibility to know them.
I think I go offline now, getting to rest a little bit. Thanks for your attention.

 

from: Fritz, 30, male, Germany
e-mail: 
anonimous