Why am I doing this?
I am writing this a few hours after I did my
own thumb amputation. A few months ago i
cutted off already my 4 other fingers... It
hurted a lot, and still knowing about all
the pain I went on doing the thumb. I used
local lydocaine to do the amputation, and I
am so affraid from the pain that I just keep
my hand in 'sleep'. Every few hours i inject
xylo/lydocaine. I guess I will do this for a
few more days.
I can't describe the feeling I have now; I
try.... It is an excited feeling, a feeling
that says me that I made myself in a way
I like to be disabled, that's for sure. I am
missing already a leg, all my toes, and
right now 5 fingers. I don't know when this
will stop,... if it stops. My big dream is
becoming a legless man. Wheeling the whole
day arround, ... i am getting excited now
from the idee that there will be devotee or
even wannabe girls looking at me.
I don't regret I did this today. Honnestly!
I know I will have regret, just like I had
before; but the only regret is comming from
the pain. In a period of pain it's maybe
normal you regret self-amputation. It's not
the pain you want, but the amputation, being
disabled, being otherways then everyone
else. Soon after the pain will be away i
know i will enjoy what I did to myself.
It's strange... knowing you did what not
everyone is doing. But for me it gives a
special feeling of being complete in my own
way...in my own world...
It is the fault of the medical world I did
this to myself. If we (wannabes) had a real
possibility like transsexual people has,
then we never would do things like this to
How many transgendered people did something
with their own body, only to show doctors
they need help... A lot of them cutted out
balls- bleeded to dead.
I don't want to die, I just want to be what
I want to be.
When I discovered this site a long time ago
I was happy to discover that I am not alone.
I know I am not alone. I know that if people
reading this a lot of you will find me nuts,
crazy, even a big idiot, but... be happy
youre not the wannabe, that you don't have
those maybe strange feelings that not
everyone have. I never asked it to be a
wannabe. I just am who I am.
From statistics I read that 1 on 30.000
people on this world would love to have an
own amputation. I am indeed one of them, and
I did already a lot of dangerous things to
have what I wanted to have always. I don't
judge people, or I would not say to you as a
wannabe: 'go for it, cut it off now and by
If youre in a real need, go for it, but know
that it hurt a lot. Certenly the first days
after self-amputation. If youre not in a
need and prefer to wait on real medical
help, from a real surgeon who wants to help
you.... I know there are such a kind of
surgeons, only I had not the possibility to
I think I go offline now, getting to rest a
little bit. Thanks for your attention.
30, male, Germany