First try...

As I can remember, my interest for amputees started the day I saw, in a shopping arcade, a SAK young woman walking with crutches in a so elegant way that I was hypnotised. I observed her for a long time, looking her buying goodies in the shops. I saw her later several times in the region. The feeling I felt that day was very strange. It was like all the people, including myself, were handicaped; as if the number of limbs had to be less than 4 !

You will agree that, in the mind of a young boy of 12 years old, it's a real strange thought... After that day, I started to pretend, but always when I was alone. I was sometimes frightened. It was like Dr Jekill & Mr Hyde ! In the beginning, all these feelings were a little bit confused. But time after time, it became more and more clearly in my mind : the only way to live fine was probably to become an amputee. Then succeeded a period where the desire did not increase significantly. I was always strongly attracted by amputee women (for the men, the feeling of love was not present... Of course, HeHeHe. It was only fascination). I  was also simulating the loss of a limb. Till this day where, for a minor infection, I decided to really live what I thought an amputee should feel. I thought that cutting off a small piece of a toe would have been sufficient to create a big problem that should have lead to the amputation of most of my leg. But I didn't really think about all this blood flowing away. And when panic comes, you're really frightened ! So, I didn't carry on the operation further. But my small stump (Can we consider a residual toe as a stump ?) gave me some informations about the feeling of an amputation : no phantom pain (a toe is not really a big part of a limb !), but when push on the upper right side of the 'stump', it's as my toe was still complete. The small scar is naturally insensitive. A strange feeling is also when, my eyes closed, I touch with an object (for example a pen) the upper part of the 'stump' and then, as I run the pen on the skin to the lower part of the 'stump', the brain seems to have some difficulties to understand why the pen suddenly touched the skin below the toe at this point (may be the brain needs a certain time to assimilate the new body configuration - Does some amputees have experienced the same feeling ? It would be very interesting to know). Since that day, I've continued my quiet live of student, making sport like funboard or Judo and when finished studies, I got a job as Unix system administrator. But one year and some months ago, I got connected to internet. I knew that everything can be found on internet. So, I went to Altavista and then type the word 'amputee'. What a surprise !!! So many informations about what my second personality was dreaming about... First, I discovered on Overground what meant the words 'devotee', 'wannabee' and I discovered that I was not alone with these kind of feelings. It was a new step in my life. Since that moment, the devotion for amputee women and the desire of becoming an amputee have drastically increased.

Deep inside of me, I think I'm ready to face an amputation but does anybody really be mentally prepared to live such a thing ??? I often think about the amputees that didn't decide to become one. What are their feelings about persons that want to suppress what they obviously  didn't want to loose ? On the other hand, I'm very glad to see that generally, amputees are really open mind people.

Till now, I've succeded to keep away my secret desires from my entourage and my family. Strong mind ? I don't think so... It's rather due to fear.
Fear of the lack of understanding. Fear of loosing a part of my life (my wife and my child - probably more horrible than loosing a limb). Europe, the Old Continent, seems to have a more archaic philosophy about this  kind of behaviour.

Well, this is a big part of my life explained in some words. And I still hope to live another part of my life as an amputee...

 

from: Thierry, 31, Belgium
e-mail: 
crillion@biosys.net