As long as I remember I have wanted to be an amputee. 

As long as i remember i have wanted to be an amputee.  it all started one day when i was about 10 years old.  I saw an older boy swimming and he was missing his right leg above the knee.  At that point i became curious and ever since my desire to be one has increased to the point  where it now is a happiness and energy robbing disability in itself.  For myself, i want to be a RAK amputee with only a short stump.  I can't explain why I want it, only that I want to experience the feeling of having a stump.  I have talked with many people on this subject but have yet to talk with anyone who has successfully achieved their goal of becoming an amputee and how it changed their life, if it made them happy and more productive.   There are many claims in cyberspace that people have achieved such goals - but where are all these people.  Why do they seem so invisible.  Are they so emmbarrassed by what they've done that they dont want to talk.  Why dont they come out and tell the rest of us wannabe either thay "Yes, it was worth it" or "NO, Don't do it"?  After one amputation do they desire more and more amputations or are they satified with only one, etc?  My guess is that they are happy with their own transformations, but just don't want to be involved in something as dangerous as remaoving ones own limb.  After all, if they were unhappy as amps, they would more likely be trying to disuade wannabes from achieving their goals.  I have tried to justify becoming an amp by choice in my mind and have come to the following conclusions;

1) In my opinion, regardless of the guilt of causing myself to become an amputee - i think i would ultimate be happier than i am now, however;
2)  I believe that it is totally immoral and unethical to perform such an extreme act to myself

So where do I go from here?  I am approaching 30 years of age and my desire seems to increase with age.  Do I live my life unsatisfied as an unhappy AB person or do I do something about my situation?  I wish somebody could help me.,

 

from: 29 years old female RAK wannabe
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anonimous