My story

by Mark Jaffe
originally published in Volume 1, Number 2 of Fascination

Where did it all begin? How can I answer this seemingly innocent question? All I
know is that for as long as I can remember, the sight of a person on crutches or
limping has been sufficient to stimulate an erection. Yes, even way back when I
didn't even know what an erection was for! At the age of 4 or 5, at a summer
outing with my parents and sisters... I recall a young girl on crutches, a cast
on her leg, that tingling feeling in my pants, a gasping in my chest. Several
years later, visiting a schoolmate's apartment, seeing his mother in a
wheelchair, a blanket hiding her from the waist down, the same feeling. And a
near-disastrous encounter with a broken window pane in the basement... a trip
and fall, arms out to catch myself, and my left hand found the broken glass. A
moment of numbness as I picked myself up, then terror as I watched the blood
spurting from severed arteries... The cast on my arm in a sling for several
months as I patiently explained to everyone, "No, I didn't break it. Severed
veins, arteries, nerves, tendons, but no bones broken." Was there more than one
child amputee in the ward I shared, not noticing the others in my 11-year-old
fear of almost losing my left hand?

Any of the above may have contributed to my current "Fascination" with the
amputee in all her splendor and mystery. I have encountered briefly less than a
dozen genuine amputees, until an outing last winter for charity... but that will
come later. I knew a young lady when I attended art school in Philadelphia, a
congenital DBE, no hands, but she was studying painting and sculpture! I was
fascinated to watch her grasp and manipulate tools with her forearm stumps, the
radius and ulna ends, partially grown, able to serve as grasping "fingers." I
never asked her out, as she did not meet my "ideal" as far as her face and
figure went (I had also been raised on the "Playboy" image, and currently being
single, I usually date models and actresses here in Los Angeles.) After art
school and marriage, I was able to successfully ignore my fascination, being in
connubial bliss for several years. However, "Penthouse Forum" in the
mid-seventies awakened the desire for a unique and monopedal girlfriend. I was
increasingly growing away from my wife, who was suffering from a chronic and
debilitating asthmatic condition. Actually, the little lady was sufficiently
unique to "Fascinate" me for several years, since she was quite petite, and had
proportionately short legs for her trunk. But we eventually entered that phase
of a marriage where one or both partners seeks outside interests. I fell in love
with a lovely woman I worked with, and we had a torrid affair for several years.
One day I told my girlfriend that I found amputee women attractive, and she told
me she knew someone whose cousin was an amputee. "Was she single?" I wanted to
know. "Would she go out with me?" was the next question. After some puzzling
looks, my friend (who was also married to someone she no longer loved) arranged
for me to get the young lady's number, and I set up a date. I was trembling with
anticipation as I approached her apartment and rang the bell. She opened the
door and I beheld a lovely pair of blue eyes, long blonde hair, a delightful
smile, and a full but not plump figure. "Karen" invited me in and we shared
some small talk with her roommates. We then drove off to spend a few hours
talking and dancing at a little nightclub I frequented; she loved to dance, and
did quite well on her prosthesis. She had injured her leg in a schoolyard
accident at the age of nine; a tumor had later developed, necessitating the
removal of her right leg above the knee. She had a slight limp but was very
agile and danced well. Since my wife and children were out of town, I took her
back to my house where we had some breakfast and talked some more. Karen
insisted on returning home when I became amorous and started to seduce her. Not
wishing to jeopardize a potential relationship and sure I would be seeing her
again, I complied. However, my wife returned prematurely and discovered my
indiscretion. I also had made the mistake of denying I knew about her missing
leg before we went out. She must have discovered the deception from her cousin,
and when I called to see her again, I was informed she was "married," and never
saw her again. An exceptionally degrading event took place sometime later, after
my wife and I had been separated for several months. I was taken to court on a
support/custody dispute, and an envelope was presented as evidence to the judge
by my wife's attorney.

The envelope contained some photos and correspondences with several "hobbyists"
I had discovered through personal ads and "Penthouse" correspondence, and also
contained photographs reproduced from the Free Library's copy of "The
Limb-Deficient Child," a publication of the UCLA Child Amputee Prosthetics
Project, widely known as a comprehensive treatise on the rehabilitation of
congenital and traumatic child amputees. These documents were intended to show a
"sick mind" unworthy of parenting. Imagine my horror at this humiliation!

My marriage dissolved soon after. I moved from Pennsylvania to California to
start a new life. My wife passed away the following year, and I took over the
raising of our two children who were 10 and 8 at the time. The next few years
were spent being a single-parent, trying to date reasonabley attractive women,
never holding on to a relationship for very long. Several reasons for not
immediately re-marrying, I have decided, are that I was a long time recovering
from the loss, and the fact that deep-down, I really wanted to be with an
amputee. Over the years, I had the rare sighting, usually in the company of my
wife. But the first year I was in California, I recall going to a movie in The
Valley and as the crown was leaving the theatre, I noticed the unmistakable gait
of an AK on a limb ahead of me. Foolish me! I was in the process of rushing up
the aisle to get to the men's room to empty my bursting bladder, and the girl of
my dreams was right there! About 5'2", curly brown hair, sparkling green eyes, a
cane decorated with glitter, and a charming smile! I glanced back at her and
smiled as I hurried to get out and about my business; alas, she and her friends
were gone by the time I got out.

My lust for amputees was shuttered for a while as "Penthouse" cooled off in its
covereage of monopedes, and Nugget took over with its innumerable R.H. Dee
scribblings and letters. I tried answering some ads, too, but these usually
turned out to be from guys. Then I discovered "Venus Today" and was overjoyed to
find that its publisher lived less than twenty miles away! Not only did I
subscribe, but I made a pest of myself for a few years, dropping in occasionally
and looking over all the unpublished photos. I still subscribe to the renamed
"Abilities" mag, and appreciate the tantalizing articles both for the excellent
photo coverage, and for the growing knowledge of what it actually means to be
handicapped in any way, not necessarily just an amputee.

In early 1984, I experienced a terrific day of stimulation and exhilaration. I
participated in the California Handicapped Skiers' Foundation Celebrity Ski
Challenge, at Goldmine in Southern California's Big Bear area. No, I'm not a
celebrity (not yet, though I am currently represented as an aspiring actor) but
I recently became a skier, and decided to check out the possibilities of meeting
a lovely one-legged skiing lady! My 15-year-old son and I drove up and
registered, I with my eyes seeking out the other participants for cuties. Lo and
behold, I saw and eventually met two of the loveliest young ladies I have known,
in the persons of Michelle, a resident of my own San Fernando Valley, and Becky,
a young lady featured in an early "Venus Today" issue who lives in San Diego.
Both girls are SAK, with short stumps that were tantalizingly revealed in their
skin-tight ski outfits. Both were accomplished skiers and did quite well for
themselves and their teams. Now Michelle and Becky are both young enough to be
my children, but I am convinced that there lives somewhere nearby a lady who is
closer to my age and single, datable, marriagable. At this moment, I am in a
holding pattern, convinced that I will shortly be encountering the "Girl Of My
Dreams," through intensive efforts on my part. I have recently joined a Southern
California group called "Special Connections" which was formed to bring together
persons with a physical health challenge, and those who seek to be with them. At
this time, the group is too small to have a tremendous selection of partners,
particularly those who will match my particular fancy. I have finally made my
desire to meet an amputee known to the lady who runs the service, having been
paired with a deaf lady, a woman with stomach cancer, and a lady with a withered
leg. I am also deeply indebted to Dr. Dwight Dixon, who started The NewsLetter,
and to Bette Hagglund, for continuing on in such a wonderful fashion. I look
forward to 1986, as I'm sure the New Year will bring success to you and good
fortune to all of us who appreciate you and those like you.

To those of us who are accused of being sick, I offer the following philosophy:
We have each, I realize, been putting ourselves into a frame of mind which
allows us to accept what The Lord wishes to put into our lives to fulfill us. To
bring happiness to a woman who has suffered a debilitating and tragic loss of
self esteem through an amputation is nothing to say "That's sick!" about.

(The previous was published in Fascination in 1985. I append the
following to bring it up to date for the ten intervening years.)

The years of 1986-1995 have been quite eventful on all fronts, as I am now in a
fine relationship with a lovely lady who fascinates me in every way (except that
she has "too many parts.") She is lovely, supportive, caring and makes me laugh.
Or, as I like to tell her, "...makes my heart sing." She is aware of my fascination
with limb-deficient women, but not about many of the things I collect.

When we first moved in together, I was in the process of helping her get her old
garage cleaned out. She had been living in a large townhouse complex, and as we
were loading up the truck, a twenty-something young mother came strolling by, a
toddler in tow, and an infant in her arms. She also had the unmistakable gait of
an AK wearing a prosthesis! I got a lovely smile as she passed, and I watched
her walk away and up the stairs to her home. Never saw her again...

About a year later, we were lounging on the lakefront beach of our new rented
home, when I saw a girl of about 10-11 years of age hopping around with her
friends. She had the shortened right leg of a congenital PFFD, which had the
characteristic missing thigh and knee. Her right leg ended in a knobby
stump about level with her left knee, with a skinny calf in between. To say I was
mesmerized is putting it mildly. I watched her cavorting with her friends for
several hours that afternoon, around the lake and the pool. At one point, I was
waiting in line at the diving board when she cut in front of me with her friend!!
I had to conceal my excitement as I waited with her right in front of me!! Later
as she hopped past, my fiancee spotted her and commented "Oh, the poor thing has
only one leg!" I nodded in agreement. I watched her later as she sat nearby
drying her stump then put on her prosthesis to leave with her family. Too much
excitement for this guy, too bad I had no camera with me to preserve the memories ...

I have in the past few years come in contact with quite a few other devotees, as we
have found each other in cyberspace on various interconnected computer venues.
The internet newsgroup has been one place, and America
Online's Disability Message Board's "Devotees & Sexuality" forum has been another.
In addition, I have set up a place for devotees to exchange images of the subjects
of our fascination, on the Netcom ftp server. As custodian of this area, I have
had the pleasure of collecting many real and imitation scans of amputee women.
I have had the pleasure of sharing these with others as well. I hope to be able
to continue this hobby for quite a while.

1999 Update
As we near the end of this decade/century/millenium, I thought it appropriate
to reflect on where I stand in relationship to my fascination. I'm still in my
relationship, but still fascinated with the limb-deficient women. I've had a
number of ups and downs in the past four years since I first wrote all this
out, and have shut down my Web server for the devotees. I am still building
Web sites, and own my own hosting business. I am still in contact with many
other devotees, and feel good that our kinship is spreading. Perhaps one day I can
come out more in the open about this, and discover the limb-deficient partner
God put me here for.


from: The Wizard